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 Time to Reset and Take back my life Since Covid, life has been different. In the last 5 years, I have lost every significant person in my life except my kids.  I lost my Mother, my Father, my Step-Mother, my best friend, my dog and recently, I lost my mother's best friend who was like a mother to me growing up.  I have spent the past 5 years in an emotional/mental rut that I just couldn't seem to get out of.  So I made a pact with myself to make 2025 MY year.  The year that I put myself first, that I focus on MY needs, MY boundaries, my health and my life as a whole. I have been doing a good many home improvement projects this year.  I have been doing projects to my house since I moved in, however, when Sebastian died, I lost the will to care about any of it.  I bought this house for him.  At one point I even contemplated selling my house, but then the market went nuts and that thought diminished.  Things have gotten better and I am no longe...

It's been 3 years.  I remember the day we met, the day I brought you home, every single day of your short 6 years and I relive the day you died every single day of the remainder of my life.  This is the first I have written about you, maybe this will help, maybe it won't, but here I am. I spent my entire life waiting on you.  I had your name chosen for 20+ years.  I knew the life I would have once you arrived.  I dedicated every moment, breath, action, emotion, and just life to you.  You were my heart, my soul, the true love of my life, nothing or nobody will ever take that spot.  It is yours for as long as I breathe and ever after. Johan Sebastian Bach.  A nobel name for a nobel dog.  I have had many dogs in my life, but none were truly MY dog.  They had attachments to others in some way or another.  I wanted that ONE dog that was mine, that ONE dog that made me whole.  People don't always understand that connection to a dog, ...

When you take time to reflect upon your life, how you've lived, decisions you have made, the roads you have traveled and then you think... what is my purpose? My mother called me her spirited child. No matter HOW she tried to "guide" me, I did my own thing and went my own way. But I was always looking for ONE thing... another human to call.... mine... only to get let down by the ones I had chosen.  But why? Always seemed to me, that I gravitated towards those who have issues or emotional damage, when I too had emotional damage.  But when I decided to take the time (YEARS) to heal my emotional damage, I then was still choosing humans with emotional damage so I could take my healing and try to help them heal.  You can't HELP someone heal.  Healing comes from within.  Healing takes time, a readiness that not everyone is ready for at the time you are wanting them to be ready.  You have to let them be at that time.   People will hurt you until they ...

  Love... something everyone wants, that perfect thing, that one thing that will forever be in their mind, win or lose.  Girl and boy meet, something blossoms, they create memories and then... one day... it's gone.  Man and woman meet, something blossoms, they get married, have children, build a life of memories and then... one day... it's gone.  That seems to be what this thing called love is all about.  They hang on to each other, only in memories.  But... why? Rarely is it a mutual choice to end something that was created with lifelong plans and dreams.  Life gets in the way of everything.  Temptations, bad decisions, hard times... usually one or even sometimes all three are in the recipe for memories of that lost future.   At one point, someone is everything to someone else, but life steps in and presents an unexpected turn that can't be rewound.  And the culprit will do their best to hide their wrong doings, sometimes for so l...

 This world of the broken who are living in their own prison surrounded by a darkness that consumes all their light.  They hang on to life swinging from the vines of those who are only supporting them out of pity.  Someone who has no interest in seeking help or trying to at least use a dim flashlight to find their way out of their own hopelessness.   I lived here once.  There was a time in my own life where nothing seemed possible and everything seemed pointless.  Surrounded by quick sand that held me down.  It's draining... emotionally, mentally and physically.  The only one who can pull you out of your own personal hell... is you.  The people around you get contact drain.  They try so hard to help you out of that pit, but in reality, it's your own pit and you have to climb out alone.  Only when you do it alone can you appreciate the rope that others are throwing down to you.   People seek chemicals (drugs and alcoho...

 Where did you go?  What changed?  We were doing so well and then boom... you were gone.  The nit picking began and the blame games started.  Picking fights to manipulate my brain to divert away from whatever it was you didn't want me to find out.  Whatever it was you were doing, you had to make sure my mind didn't go there, instead, you had to make up shit to fight about, things "I did" that I didn't do.  You were so full of drama, lies and bullshit.   You changed when she died.  She died because of your stupid shit.  Had you put into her in life what you put into her in death, she never would have died.  But that's what happens when you play with people's emotions.  You kill them.  Not all of us are strong enough mentally to come back from the damage that you cause.  Somedays I wonder if I will, but I do.  I manage.  I put one thought in front of the other.  I drown out your bullshit with reality...

 Today marks another year on this planet.  Another year, 54 to be exact, that I get to live once again, moving forward into the unknown.  I think we all walk towards the unknown.  You can plan, you can map your journey to aspire anything, however, your destiny is your destiny.   When I was a child, the ONLY thing I ever wanted to be was a veterinarian and have my own pack of dogs.  I love dogs, there is nothing like them in the world.  They are loyal and they always have your back.  And even though they don't speak OUR language, you can certainly learn and understand theirs.  However... my life did not take me down the path I so wanted to go.  Partially my fault, I didn't apply myself, I didn't make the right choices when they mattered most.  Instead of taking control of my own journey at the age where it mattered, I allowed people and THINGS to influence my decisions.   I was an angry child, I was an angrier teenager...

I have recently marked my time on earth as 5 decades.  You do the math.  And as I embrace this milestone (not very tightly I might add), because honestly, unless I live to be 100 (I surely hope this is NOT going to be the case), it's my last milestone.  I spend way too much time reliving my life in my head (I drive a lot).  Not only have a I reached this milestone, but I have recently become an empty-nester.  My youngest moved out and now it's just me and the dog.  Although I struggled with the concept before the reality, NOW, it's not a bad thing.  She still comes home, we still do things together and we talk more than we did when we lived together.  The old cliche about everything having a purpose?  It does.  So many things that I have gone through in my life, NOW make sense.  Things in life, challenges, hardships, struggles, all prepare you for what's coming in your life.  It wasn't that long ago that I realized that I h...

Constructive criticism... something that helped mold me as a child.  The "sticks and stones" theory that words will never hurt, is wrong, words DO hurt, but words also help.   Knowing what other people think of you is not always important, but can play in the back of your mind.  Those words can either help you change to be different, or change your opinion of the person who said them.  Not everyone has a constructive word, some of their words just reflect their own personality flaws. Political correctness, and our "tip toe" syndrome is taking away the molding words and replacing them with more damaging affects.  Saying NOTHING as opposed to what you really think is not always the best approach either, unless you have an ugly personality and really DO want to hurt someone's feelings.  But, if you have "molding" words to say to someone, in an attempt to get them to see what YOU see, then those words should be said. Someone once told me I have a b...

As I get older, I find that I spend more time reflecting on my life.  I think back to fun times, hard times and the times that made me who I am.  I realize that healing is a process.  It's a hard process.  However, I have also realized, that you don't heal from everything, you just learn how to live with it. There is a house that I drive by everyday.  It is in my neighborhood.  The song "The House That Built Me", that would be this house.  It was never MY house, but the house of the woman who babysat me while my mother worked.  For a mere 2 1/2 years, I endured her torment and physical abuse, and not only abuse from her, but from the other children that she babysat as well.  Not all of them, just a few. But those few, and her, laid the foundation to my now, well maintained, fortress. All of the events that took place in those 2 1/2 years were never addressed.  I kept them to myself.  I never told my mother, for back then, you...

It is so easy to hide it, but not so easy to hide FROM it.  That friend who seems happy, whom everyone loves because they have a great sense of humor and an infectious smile.  How could he/she have been so selfish?  But, to someone who is trapped inside their own darkness, to them, it isn't selfish at all.  They actually see pulling the trigger or swallowing that bottle of pills or tightening that noose as a justice.  They see it as ridding the world of their burdened existence.  And this my friend, is NOT decision that has just been made.  In many cases, they have been wallowing over it, stewing over it, fighting the voices and struggling with the pain.... for YEARS!  But... how did nobody not see?  How could this person have NOT confided in those who may have been able to help?  The answer is very simple.... nobody was looking.  And in MANY cases, maybe you were looking, but you didn't want to pry, or you knew something was u...

Sometimes I look at life and ponder it's purpose, as does most people.  Then I look around, and I see the surface of what seems to be other's portraying happiness, or content, whichever the case may be. But I question it.  Are they really happy?  Are their smiles facades to avoid prying?  I do not fake smile, I do not shine light into my darkness.  I do not mask my pain.  I wear it, out in the open, for the world to see. I have been alone my entire life.  Always around people, yet, ultimately alone.  I like to do things my way, yet everyone seems to have an opinion on how my way isn't their way, yet, I didn't hear them volunteer to do it.  I shun their ideas, as I did not ask for their opinions.  These sorts of situations just thickens the wall (mental and emotional) that I have built throughout my lifetime.   I treat people as I want to be treated, therefore, I do not offer my opinion into their lives, nor do I pry into ...

The damage done to a child by poor parenting, or lack thereof, unfortunately can go unseen for decades.  It is also true that the damage can trickle down into younger generations.  This behavior becomes a pattern, so much so that full dysfunction erupts within the gene pool.  So where does it end?  When does the damage that has ripped one's soul apart without as much as a hint of being, end? It ends when tears are shed from the darkened soul and light may finally beam through the iron clad wall that holds the fortress together.  One crack is all that is needed to begin the destruction of a wall so thick, that normal is like an earthquake to the inhabitants. Where does it begin?  What is the foundation to a wall such as this?  This darkness and turmoil begins at the root, at the base of one's core.  It is how the world and those within it have nurtured or not.  It's like taking a flower and either watering and fertilizing it or letting it cl...

As another year comes to a close, I have come to a point of reflection within myself.  Many things have changed in the past year and many doors that were swinging on their hinges, have now closed.  As a person, it is now my time to discover myself.  Who I am and where I am going.  And most importantly, remembering how I got where I am. I have come to realize that I have always been living for someone or something, never myself.  Although, the choices that I have made past parental guidance have all seemed to be as a result of the parenting I received as a child.  I always remembered running from whatever it was my parents wanted me to become.  And sadly, they mostly wanted me to become... them.  I, however, was striving to become my own person, with my own path. As I became a mother, I stepped into it knowing that I was not going to steer my children down my path, but I encouraged them to become their own person.  I wanted them to be indi...

I am asked time and time again, why I am single,  And I have shot out answers just to brush off the question, because honestly, why I am or am not with anyone is nobody's business but my own.  But ya know?  I have thought about this answer.  First off, I am single because I want to be.  Now the question is... why do I want to be?  Hmmm, that list of reasoning is so long, but I will try to shorten it. First of all, I have been in many relationships.  Each one taught me something, and narrowed my tolerance of the things that people do.  At my forty-something age, I am pretty sure that I didn't live this long by needing someone to look out for me.  And it seems that a man's purpose in his life is to tell me how to live MY life.  While some women thrive on this kind of guidance, I do not.  I have worked very hard for my independence and I am not about to let some man strip it from me. A man seems to think that they are in the ma...

The crossroads of life.  I have been in this spot many times.  The difference?  Before I had to chose a direction.  That choice affected not only my life, but the lives of others.  Everything I have ever done in the past 22 years, has had a direct effect on my offspring.  But now, my offspring are off living their own lives and doing their own thing.  Now, here I am yet again.  At the same crossroads.  Only difference is.  NOW my decision is mine.  So what now? I have been trying to chose a direction, but right now my choice is to stand still and wait.  Wait for what?  A sign?  An arrow?  For that I am unsure.  I don't really know where to go from here.  But I do know that I am in no hurry to venture in any one direction.  For now I am perfectly fine just hanging out in the middle.  Weather whatever storms come through this very spot, after all, I have weathered all the storms in all the oth...

Ahhh, the empty nest.  This is the stage of life that is to be enjoyed after years of hard work raising up the youngins.  I am in the beginning stages of this particular stage.   A mere week into it actually.  I must say, that I am rather enjoying it.   For years, 22 of them to be exact, my life revolved around my children, 1 in particular.  I couldn't keep what I wanted in the fridge, for when I went for it, it would be gone.  I had to hide anything that I wanted for myself.  Although we raise our children to be mindful of others, they rarely practice their upbringing at home.  It had come to a point where I would just keep MY stuff in my car.  NOW, I can fill the fridge with whatever I want and I know that it isn't going to walk away.  This is a concept that I am still acclimating myself to.   Laundry, it is now ONLY mine.  I don't have 10 loads a week, I only have what I dirty.  I no longer have to scuff whe...

Life is a circle.  We are here to make a difference.  A difference in what?  Our lives?  Society?  The economic endeavors of others?  What is it exactly that we are here to do?  Does it matter?  In the end, when you have completed YOUR circle and have become one with the earth, what is it that you leave behind?  A legacy?  The words and wisdom that you have instilled into others that you had taken on responsibility for? No matter what our age, there comes responsibility.  As a child we have a responsibility to learn.  To take in what is going on around us and apply what we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste into our lives accordingly.  As we grow, our we gain more responsibilities.  We become responsible for our messes and choices through our childhood and at some point, we become responsible for the life of another being.  And that responsibility is of the utmost importance.  As we ourselves take all the ...

Last night in my sleep, I went back in time.  I went back to the place that I call home.  I went back to my grandmothers.  I spent time going through all the rooms of her house.  I saw them in a time lapse from when I was little up to the last time I saw the house on the inside. The house had many changes throughout the years.  Interior and Exterior.  Paint, flooring, an added room.  It was my safe haven.  No matter where I physically lived as a child (as we moved around a lot), grandma's house was my home. I remember I used to crawl out on the roof and sit up there at night and just dream.  There was an old tv antenna that I used to climb up.  My grandmother used to yell at me for climbing it, as it wasn't very sturdy.  But it never let me down.  It was like Jack and the Beanstalk, that antenna was my beanstalk. Over the years, the house took on different faces.  It changed as I grew, yet, still remained the same. ...

So, spending most of my life emotionally inept... I find myself at a very unfamiliar place lately.  I feel the need, or urge, to cry.  I don't cry, not often at least.  And definitely not in front of people.  That reaction was beaten out of me at a very early age. I don't always understand the feelings at the deepest part of my being.  I have spent so much of my life in a numb state of existence, than when I feel something, I am unsure of what it is, or why. Sometimes a song will take me somewhere that I long to go from time to time.  If the song brings out emotion that I wish I could feel, I actually feel it, but only for the duration of that song.  When the song is over, so is the feeling.  It does not linger... it just fades with the melody of the song. Sometimes I long to feel love.  Not just any love.  The everlasting, never going anywhere, strong enough to weather any storm, kind of love.  I have never had that.  I ...