Broken Insomniac - Letter to the Narcissist


 Where did you go?  What changed?  We were doing so well and then boom... you were gone.  The nit picking began and the blame games started.  Picking fights to manipulate my brain to divert away from whatever it was you didn't want me to find out.  Whatever it was you were doing, you had to make sure my mind didn't go there, instead, you had to make up shit to fight about, things "I did" that I didn't do.  You were so full of drama, lies and bullshit.  

You changed when she died.  She died because of your stupid shit.  Had you put into her in life what you put into her in death, she never would have died.  But that's what happens when you play with people's emotions.  You kill them.  Not all of us are strong enough mentally to come back from the damage that you cause.  Somedays I wonder if I will, but I do.  I manage.  I put one thought in front of the other.  I drown out your bullshit with reality and keep reminding myself that this is your shit hole, not mine.  That I am better than that.  It's hard, but I DO know better.  I DO know the difference between reality and your altered reality.  

You live your life for you, not anyone else.  Which is fine as long as you stay a YOU and not pursue or strive to be anything more.  You can live your life any way you want to, as long as it doesn't drag anyone else down.  When you say you want love, and you say you want a relationship, all YOU has to go and be replaced with WE.  You can't live YOUR life FOR you when you are WITH another person.  It doesn't work that way.  Everything YOU do in a WE situation, affects BOTH.  You want to live your life YOUR way, then do it as a YOU.

Women KNOW when shit isn't right.  It's like this voice in our gut that says "hey, pay attention".  When that voice speaks... everything you do is now on radar.  Where you go, who you talk to, what you say, how you say it.  And buddy... your shit, your stories, the shit you spew out your lips, does NOT equate.  You NEVER do what you say you are going to do, you didn't do shit for me, and you got mad when I didn't ask you for help when I was struggling, yet, you can't even help yourself.  I will struggle and I will get back up and I will run, you will keep struggling because that's all you know how to do.  When I say I am going to do something, I do it, and if I DIDN'T do it, I had a really good reason as to WHY I didn't do it.  

Your words vs lack of action and your bullshit lies vs what was truth... that is why we are no more.  It is not because I don't love you.  That's the hardest part of it all, I DO love you.  I think about you 24/7.  It's like a disease.  I can't shake it.  I always wonder how you are and what you are doing, but I also know, wondering those things is pointless.  It gets me nowhere.  It just holds me back from healing, yet, I do it.  I am angry.  I am angry for what we could have been vs what we are now.  I am angry because YOU made promises YOU didn't keep.  Because you led me to believe that we would have this great future, that you wanted to earn my trust, I wasn't to just give it to you.  You did earn it... I did trust you.  Then.... poof.... it was gone.  

There is so much I need to say, but you will never listen.  You will never hear me.  You will never care enough to realize the damage that you have done.  And yet... I am the one not sleeping, I am the one angry, I am the one sitting with thoughts going through my head that I can't speak out loud because there is nobody to hear them.  

I wish you well in life... I do.  But, one day, I hope you actually realize what you lost, and maybe care a little.  But I also know... you will not.  Sad... you had potential.  



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