Depression: Walk The Path With Me

It is so easy to hide it, but not so easy to hide FROM it.  That friend who seems happy, whom everyone loves because they have a great sense of humor and an infectious smile.  How could he/she have been so selfish?  But, to someone who is trapped inside their own darkness, to them, it isn't selfish at all.  They actually see pulling the trigger or swallowing that bottle of pills or tightening that noose as a justice.  They see it as ridding the world of their burdened existence.  And this my friend, is NOT decision that has just been made.  In many cases, they have been wallowing over it, stewing over it, fighting the voices

and struggling with the pain.... for YEARS!  But... how did nobody not see?  How could this person have NOT confided in those who may have been able to help?  The answer is very simple.... nobody was looking.  And in MANY cases, maybe you were looking, but you didn't want to pry, or you knew something was up, but figured they would come to you when they needed you.    

The Last Path by Baron Of Darkness

Walk with me... through the mind of those who live in the dark... bring your flashlight.  

The process of this disease is quite crippling.  It begins, in some cases, at a very early age.  For me, it began in my early teens.  Struggling to fit into the social scene as a child, I learned quite quickly how to become invisible. I learned how to blend in when I needed to, and then fade into the background.  I learned how to become the leader of the bad-asses when I needed to blow off some steam, then turn their attention elsewhere when I needed to be left alone.  I learned how to hide the pain and divert  with sarcasm and sharp wit.  As I got older and the social scene changed,  I had to get more creative at playing hide and no seek.  To just be left alone and make the world disappear.

Small problems are magnified.  There are periods when there is a small reflection in the dark that resembles a light, but it is a short enough period that it creates doubt.  Doubt that anything is ever going to be different, doubt that we will ever get resolve to the minutest of troubles, making the even larger problems seem smothering to the point that there is absolutely NO point in trying to resolve them.  Monetary debt surpasses any hope of resolve and social endeavors fade until all that is left are the thoughts.  But we can't just DO it... there is planning.  Have to endure that things are in order.  Ensure that responsibility is passed off to someone who is trustworthy, and even though we trust this person with anything that is important to, they cannot be burdened with our troubles, for they are mine and mine alone.  Nobody created them for me, and nobody can trouble themselves with them.  And there truly is only ONE way out.

As the end nears in the mind, engagements are broken, friends are ignored, and life just becomes too busy to have any sort of social life as withdrawal sets in.  Going home to sit in the dark and think about all of the things that just cannot be fixed or changed becomes so much more important than trying to convince everyone that you really are OK, when you know that you really are NOT!  

Days, weeks, months go by.  People stop visiting, stop calling, stop asking, because they know that you are just going to turn them down anyway.  And as you realize, that nobody is bothering, in your mind, you realize that you truly are alone, nobody cares and the best thing that you can do for anyone, is just.... be gone.

But whatever method is chosen, it has to be successful.  Otherwise, the reult is yet again... another failure.  I mean, if you can't even off yourself successfully, what is that?  Or there is the possibility, that however you chose to do it, really fails and leaves you worse off than you are.  Shoot yourself and leave yourself a vegetable, or that bottle of pills just makes you sicker than a dog for days, or... someone walks in, realizes what you have done, and their attempts to save you WORK and now... someone knows, what will be the repercussions?  Therapy?  Counseling?  Ugh, can't have that!  Having to spill my guts to a stranger when I just don't want to talk to ANYONE.  No, has to work, has to be successful and has to be.... now, so I don't chicken out and continue to live in this bullshit world much longer.  Write a note... and.... done!

Dramatic?  Yes... realistic? Yes... THIS is depression folks!  Hard to wrap your head around it if you have never experienced it.  But this is it... the cold hard darkness of a mind that is victimized by it.  It's a struggle, for years.  It can be crippling,  And in the end... devastating.  

Pay attention to your friends... if you know someone's routine or lifestyle and it changes in any of these ways?  Get involved... I can't say it will save every life... but it might save one!