Sometimes....

So, spending most of my life emotionally inept... I find myself at a very unfamiliar place lately.  I feel the need, or urge, to cry.  I don't cry, not often at least.  And definitely not in front of people.  That reaction was beaten out of me at a very early age.

I don't always understand the feelings at the deepest part of my being.  I have spent so much of my life in a numb state of existence, than when I feel something, I am unsure of what it is, or why.

Sometimes a song will take me somewhere that I long to go from time to time.  If the song brings out emotion that I wish I could feel, I actually feel it, but only for the duration of that song.  When the song is over, so is the feeling.  It does not linger... it just fades with the melody of the song.

Sometimes I long to feel love.  Not just any love.  The everlasting, never going anywhere, strong enough to weather any storm, kind of love.  I have never had that.  I have read about it, and seen it portrayed in movies.  I have to wonder if it really does exist.  Maybe it does, but I am sure I will never have that.  The few times in my life that I had hopes that MAYBE I had found it, was proven to be wrong.  It is always wrong.

Sometimes the loneliness gets the better of me, and then I think back to why I am alone.  Mostly by choice.  I would rather be lonely than miserable.  Lonely really isn't so bad.

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