The Fortress that Time Built




As I get older, I find that I spend more time reflecting on my life.  I think back to fun times, hard times and the times that made me who I am.  I realize that healing is a process.  It's a hard process.  However, I have also realized, that you don't heal from everything, you just learn how to live with it.

There is a house that I drive by everyday.  It is in my neighborhood.  The song "The House That Built Me", that would be this house.  It was never MY house, but the house of the woman who babysat me while my mother worked.  For a mere 2 1/2 years, I endured her torment and physical abuse, and not only abuse from her, but from the other children that she babysat as well.  Not all of them, just a few. But those few, and her, laid the foundation to my now, well maintained, fortress.

All of the events that took place in those 2 1/2 years were never addressed.  I kept them to myself.  I never told my mother, for back then, you just didn't do that.  I suppose that is part of what has made me an introvert.  I don't discuss the things that are, I just leave them if they are unpleasant.

I don't know what ever happened to her, by now she would be well over 100, because back then, she looked old and decrepit.  But I hate her.  Even to this day, I hate her.  I hate the kids who succumbed  to her reign and took advantage of the situation to do what she did.  I am hard, and I am bitter and I just drive past that house and sneer.  I have walked to it and stood in front of it, hoping to stare it down and overcome this hatred, but the hatred isn't with the house, but with what happened inside of the house.  I want nothing more than to confront all involved, but the queen is dead.  I don't know how or when she died, but I am sure it was not nearly harsh enough of a death for her.

I do not know how to move past this torment that I feel.  I was 5 years old when it started and almost 8 when it stopped.  In those few short years, the foundation had been laid to which others have added layers.  Brick by brick, my fortress has formed.  I have removed bricks along the way for those who I thought worthy, only for them to replace the bricks as well as add new ones.  Trust is not something I do well, nor will I for quite some time.  People are evil.  I do not need to have them in my life, so I will stay solitude and sit in the throne that I have created behind my fortress walls.

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