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The crossroads of life.  I have been in this spot many times.  The difference?  Before I had to chose a direction.  That choice affected not only my life, but the lives of others.  Everything I have ever done in the past 22 years, has had a direct effect on my offspring.  But now, my offspring are off living their own lives and doing their own thing.  Now, here I am yet again.  At the same crossroads.  Only difference is.  NOW my decision is mine.  So what now? I have been trying to chose a direction, but right now my choice is to stand still and wait.  Wait for what?  A sign?  An arrow?  For that I am unsure.  I don't really know where to go from here.  But I do know that I am in no hurry to venture in any one direction.  For now I am perfectly fine just hanging out in the middle.  Weather whatever storms come through this very spot, after all, I have weathered all the storms in all the oth...

Ahhh, the empty nest.  This is the stage of life that is to be enjoyed after years of hard work raising up the youngins.  I am in the beginning stages of this particular stage.   A mere week into it actually.  I must say, that I am rather enjoying it.   For years, 22 of them to be exact, my life revolved around my children, 1 in particular.  I couldn't keep what I wanted in the fridge, for when I went for it, it would be gone.  I had to hide anything that I wanted for myself.  Although we raise our children to be mindful of others, they rarely practice their upbringing at home.  It had come to a point where I would just keep MY stuff in my car.  NOW, I can fill the fridge with whatever I want and I know that it isn't going to walk away.  This is a concept that I am still acclimating myself to.   Laundry, it is now ONLY mine.  I don't have 10 loads a week, I only have what I dirty.  I no longer have to scuff whe...

Life is a circle.  We are here to make a difference.  A difference in what?  Our lives?  Society?  The economic endeavors of others?  What is it exactly that we are here to do?  Does it matter?  In the end, when you have completed YOUR circle and have become one with the earth, what is it that you leave behind?  A legacy?  The words and wisdom that you have instilled into others that you had taken on responsibility for? No matter what our age, there comes responsibility.  As a child we have a responsibility to learn.  To take in what is going on around us and apply what we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste into our lives accordingly.  As we grow, our we gain more responsibilities.  We become responsible for our messes and choices through our childhood and at some point, we become responsible for the life of another being.  And that responsibility is of the utmost importance.  As we ourselves take all the ...

Last night in my sleep, I went back in time.  I went back to the place that I call home.  I went back to my grandmothers.  I spent time going through all the rooms of her house.  I saw them in a time lapse from when I was little up to the last time I saw the house on the inside. The house had many changes throughout the years.  Interior and Exterior.  Paint, flooring, an added room.  It was my safe haven.  No matter where I physically lived as a child (as we moved around a lot), grandma's house was my home. I remember I used to crawl out on the roof and sit up there at night and just dream.  There was an old tv antenna that I used to climb up.  My grandmother used to yell at me for climbing it, as it wasn't very sturdy.  But it never let me down.  It was like Jack and the Beanstalk, that antenna was my beanstalk. Over the years, the house took on different faces.  It changed as I grew, yet, still remained the same. ...

So, spending most of my life emotionally inept... I find myself at a very unfamiliar place lately.  I feel the need, or urge, to cry.  I don't cry, not often at least.  And definitely not in front of people.  That reaction was beaten out of me at a very early age. I don't always understand the feelings at the deepest part of my being.  I have spent so much of my life in a numb state of existence, than when I feel something, I am unsure of what it is, or why. Sometimes a song will take me somewhere that I long to go from time to time.  If the song brings out emotion that I wish I could feel, I actually feel it, but only for the duration of that song.  When the song is over, so is the feeling.  It does not linger... it just fades with the melody of the song. Sometimes I long to feel love.  Not just any love.  The everlasting, never going anywhere, strong enough to weather any storm, kind of love.  I have never had that.  I ...

Sometimes I feel that I am alone in the world.  And as awful as that may seem to a normal individual, at times, I relish it.  But then, there are times, like now, where solitude can be a slap in the face of what too often I try to ignore.  That this world is a very cruel place. My entire world is governed.  By people and elements beyond my control.  Has bee since birth.  Overbearing guardians, demanding children, limits on finances due to being a single mom raising 2 children, one special needs, on my own. When does my life become mine?  When do I get to call the shots and live it the way I want to? Relationships are pointless when you have a child with special needs.  There are more factors to consider and more complications.  The world itself is more difficult altogether.  My child is an adult now, but still the deciding factor of my day to day life.  The system sucks and there are fewer options now that she is an adult. S...

As I look around and view the world, it deems itself to be a horrible place.  Not because the world iteself is ugly, but the people within it.  The way we treat each other is killing humanity.  But, who is to blame?  Over the course of my lifetime, I have brushed off most of what does not directly affect me, and kept going on with life.  Only in the recent years have I stopped to take a really good look around me.  And as I ponder the sights I see, I realize why it took me so long to look.  People do stupid things, make stupid decisions, suffer the consequences and blame everyone else for their own stupidity.   If I CHOSE, because MY life is just that... MY choice, to not go to work and get fired for my poor attendance, that would be MY fault, therefore, I would have to right to take that out on someone else.  So, how is it right for someone else to have a bad day, because we all have them, and vent our frustrations in irreversable f...