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It's been 3 years.  I remember the day we met, the day I brought you home, every single day of your short 6 years and I relive the day you died every single day of the remainder of my life.  This is the first I have written about you, maybe this will help, maybe it won't, but here I am. I spent my entire life waiting on you.  I had your name chosen for 20+ years.  I knew the life I would have once you arrived.  I dedicated every moment, breath, action, emotion, and just life to you.  You were my heart, my soul, the true love of my life, nothing or nobody will ever take that spot.  It is yours for as long as I breathe and ever after. Johan Sebastian Bach.  A nobel name for a nobel dog.  I have had many dogs in my life, but none were truly MY dog.  They had attachments to others in some way or another.  I wanted that ONE dog that was mine, that ONE dog that made me whole.  People don't always understand that connection to a dog, ...

When you take time to reflect upon your life, how you've lived, decisions you have made, the roads you have traveled and then you think... what is my purpose? My mother called me her spirited child. No matter HOW she tried to "guide" me, I did my own thing and went my own way. But I was always looking for ONE thing... another human to call.... mine... only to get let down by the ones I had chosen.  But why? Always seemed to me, that I gravitated towards those who have issues or emotional damage, when I too had emotional damage.  But when I decided to take the time (YEARS) to heal my emotional damage, I then was still choosing humans with emotional damage so I could take my healing and try to help them heal.  You can't HELP someone heal.  Healing comes from within.  Healing takes time, a readiness that not everyone is ready for at the time you are wanting them to be ready.  You have to let them be at that time.   People will hurt you until they ...

  Love... something everyone wants, that perfect thing, that one thing that will forever be in their mind, win or lose.  Girl and boy meet, something blossoms, they create memories and then... one day... it's gone.  Man and woman meet, something blossoms, they get married, have children, build a life of memories and then... one day... it's gone.  That seems to be what this thing called love is all about.  They hang on to each other, only in memories.  But... why? Rarely is it a mutual choice to end something that was created with lifelong plans and dreams.  Life gets in the way of everything.  Temptations, bad decisions, hard times... usually one or even sometimes all three are in the recipe for memories of that lost future.   At one point, someone is everything to someone else, but life steps in and presents an unexpected turn that can't be rewound.  And the culprit will do their best to hide their wrong doings, sometimes for so l...

 This world of the broken who are living in their own prison surrounded by a darkness that consumes all their light.  They hang on to life swinging from the vines of those who are only supporting them out of pity.  Someone who has no interest in seeking help or trying to at least use a dim flashlight to find their way out of their own hopelessness.   I lived here once.  There was a time in my own life where nothing seemed possible and everything seemed pointless.  Surrounded by quick sand that held me down.  It's draining... emotionally, mentally and physically.  The only one who can pull you out of your own personal hell... is you.  The people around you get contact drain.  They try so hard to help you out of that pit, but in reality, it's your own pit and you have to climb out alone.  Only when you do it alone can you appreciate the rope that others are throwing down to you.   People seek chemicals (drugs and alcoho...

 Where did you go?  What changed?  We were doing so well and then boom... you were gone.  The nit picking began and the blame games started.  Picking fights to manipulate my brain to divert away from whatever it was you didn't want me to find out.  Whatever it was you were doing, you had to make sure my mind didn't go there, instead, you had to make up shit to fight about, things "I did" that I didn't do.  You were so full of drama, lies and bullshit.   You changed when she died.  She died because of your stupid shit.  Had you put into her in life what you put into her in death, she never would have died.  But that's what happens when you play with people's emotions.  You kill them.  Not all of us are strong enough mentally to come back from the damage that you cause.  Somedays I wonder if I will, but I do.  I manage.  I put one thought in front of the other.  I drown out your bullshit with reality...

 Today marks another year on this planet.  Another year, 54 to be exact, that I get to live once again, moving forward into the unknown.  I think we all walk towards the unknown.  You can plan, you can map your journey to aspire anything, however, your destiny is your destiny.   When I was a child, the ONLY thing I ever wanted to be was a veterinarian and have my own pack of dogs.  I love dogs, there is nothing like them in the world.  They are loyal and they always have your back.  And even though they don't speak OUR language, you can certainly learn and understand theirs.  However... my life did not take me down the path I so wanted to go.  Partially my fault, I didn't apply myself, I didn't make the right choices when they mattered most.  Instead of taking control of my own journey at the age where it mattered, I allowed people and THINGS to influence my decisions.   I was an angry child, I was an angrier teenager...