Open To The Public

 This world of the broken who are living in their own prison surrounded by a darkness that consumes all their light.  They hang on to life swinging from the vines of those who are only supporting them out of pity.  Someone who has no interest in seeking help or trying to at least use a dim flashlight to find their way out of their own hopelessness.   I lived here once.  There was a time in my own life where nothing seemed possible and everything seemed pointless.  Surrounded by quick sand that held me down.  It's draining... emotionally, mentally and physically.  The only one who can pull you out of your own personal hell... is you.  The people around you get contact drain.  They try so hard to help you out of that pit, but in reality, it's your own pit and you have to climb out alone.  Only when you do it alone can you appreciate the rope that others are throwing down to you.   People seek chemicals (drugs and alcohol) to help calm their storm, but that is only a temporary fix

 Where did you go?  What changed?  We were doing so well and then boom... you were gone.  The nit picking began and the blame games started.  Picking fights to manipulate my brain to divert away from whatever it was you didn't want me to find out.  Whatever it was you were doing, you had to make sure my mind didn't go there, instead, you had to make up shit to fight about, things "I did" that I didn't do.  You were so full of drama, lies and bullshit.   You changed when she died.  She died because of your stupid shit.  Had you put into her in life what you put into her in death, she never would have died.  But that's what happens when you play with people's emotions.  You kill them.  Not all of us are strong enough mentally to come back from the damage that you cause.  Somedays I wonder if I will, but I do.  I manage.  I put one thought in front of the other.  I drown out your bullshit with reality and keep reminding myself that this is your shit hole, not

 Today marks another year on this planet.  Another year, 54 to be exact, that I get to live once again, moving forward into the unknown.  I think we all walk towards the unknown.  You can plan, you can map your journey to aspire anything, however, your destiny is your destiny.   When I was a child, the ONLY thing I ever wanted to be was a veterinarian and have my own pack of dogs.  I love dogs, there is nothing like them in the world.  They are loyal and they always have your back.  And even though they don't speak OUR language, you can certainly learn and understand theirs.  However... my life did not take me down the path I so wanted to go.  Partially my fault, I didn't apply myself, I didn't make the right choices when they mattered most.  Instead of taking control of my own journey at the age where it mattered, I allowed people and THINGS to influence my decisions.   I was an angry child, I was an angrier teenager.  Life presented options for me that were not in my plan

I have recently marked my time on earth as 5 decades.  You do the math.  And as I embrace this milestone (not very tightly I might add), because honestly, unless I live to be 100 (I surely hope this is NOT going to be the case), it's my last milestone.  I spend way too much time reliving my life in my head (I drive a lot).  Not only have a I reached this milestone, but I have recently become an empty-nester.  My youngest moved out and now it's just me and the dog.  Although I struggled with the concept before the reality, NOW, it's not a bad thing.  She still comes home, we still do things together and we talk more than we did when we lived together.  The old cliche about everything having a purpose?  It does.  So many things that I have gone through in my life, NOW make sense.  Things in life, challenges, hardships, struggles, all prepare you for what's coming in your life.  It wasn't that long ago that I realized that I had WAY too many open doors in my life,

Constructive criticism... something that helped mold me as a child.  The "sticks and stones" theory that words will never hurt, is wrong, words DO hurt, but words also help.   Knowing what other people think of you is not always important, but can play in the back of your mind.  Those words can either help you change to be different, or change your opinion of the person who said them.  Not everyone has a constructive word, some of their words just reflect their own personality flaws. Political correctness, and our "tip toe" syndrome is taking away the molding words and replacing them with more damaging affects.  Saying NOTHING as opposed to what you really think is not always the best approach either, unless you have an ugly personality and really DO want to hurt someone's feelings.  But, if you have "molding" words to say to someone, in an attempt to get them to see what YOU see, then those words should be said. Someone once told me I have a b

As I get older, I find that I spend more time reflecting on my life.  I think back to fun times, hard times and the times that made me who I am.  I realize that healing is a process.  It's a hard process.  However, I have also realized, that you don't heal from everything, you just learn how to live with it. There is a house that I drive by everyday.  It is in my neighborhood.  The song "The House That Built Me", that would be this house.  It was never MY house, but the house of the woman who babysat me while my mother worked.  For a mere 2 1/2 years, I endured her torment and physical abuse, and not only abuse from her, but from the other children that she babysat as well.  Not all of them, just a few. But those few, and her, laid the foundation to my now, well maintained, fortress. All of the events that took place in those 2 1/2 years were never addressed.  I kept them to myself.  I never told my mother, for back then, you just didn't do that.  I suppose